Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Title

The title to this blog certainly is relevant...I spend most of my time hoping and waiting and praying. I am holding out some hope for this pregnancy probably because I *think* I have some tenderness in the breast area, but it's not ANYTHING like my previous pregnancies. I have been told not to compare pregnancies, but it is inevitable. I know that number on Wednesday was low for my DPO, but it's not over yet. I am hoping by some miracle that the doctor says my numbers doubled on Monday. I am fearful of an ectopic, though. If the numbers rise slowly but do not double, chances are that it is ectopic. I fear that because I don't want anything to be wrong with my tubes. If they have to do surgery, it could mean problems with fertility in the future. One step at a time, right?! I could do the what if's all day. I do have my list of questions for Dr. George. My questions are based on three scenarios and I have a list for all three: no doubling and m/c, no doubling and ectopic, and doubling! Let's hope it's for the latter!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Low Number

Just returned from the office and got the results from yesterday's hcg: 163. Not good. The nurse, bless her soul, was trying to make me feel positive about it saying that it's only the first number and first numbers don't mean anything. Well, according to the median hcg results on betabase, it would be above 400 for my DPO. I have a twinkle of hope that I'm trying hard to hold on to, but most of me knows how this will end. I feel impending doom, like "here we go again." I wish the nurses would have returned my phone calls earlier in the week because then I would know by now how this is going to go. Instead, I have to do the second beta tomorrow and wait for the results over the weekend. I won't get the results until Monday morning. I'm supposed to meet with Dr. George so we can plan for either way this decides to go. The nurse said she would call me before so I know my second number. Hoping and waiting and praying...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Disbelief then Shock

Disbelief...that was the word to describe how I felt last Saturday as I stared down at the faint line that appeared on the Dollar Tree pregnancy test I took. I immediately asked my husband to go to the store to pick up a digital. I wasn't going to believe it until I saw one word on the EPT digital test. Shock...that was the word to describe how I felt after reading "pregnant" on the digital test later that afternoon. Shock because I took a test on Thursday and got a BFN, so I was almost positive it would be negative again on Saturday. It was not to be!
We are absolutely thrilled about the prospect of another baby! However, given my history, there is always that fear of the unknown and hoping and praying that nothing goes wrong. I just have to give it to God and hope His will is for me to carry this baby full term and healthy. That will be my constant prayer, as it was when I carried DD.
I really want to be able to share this news with the stickies, as I won't share it with friends and co-workers I know IRL until the second trimester. It kills me not to be able to tell the stickies! I just need to wait for the right time (most likely also second trimester- that will be so hard!) until I am able to tell one of the stickies I know IRL.
My first beta was today and boy was it like pulling teeth for the doctor's office to #1 call me back and #2 allow me to have a beta before the first appt and #3 give authorization to insurance for me to pick up the progesterone that I need! The progesterone was prescribed back in January and I have to pay out of pocket until the office decides to give the insurance company the okay. I am fed up with this office already! It is NOTHING like being with Dr. Robin at New Hope. That office cares about your success and are just as happy as you are, knowing how anxious you are and are ready to help give you peace of mind. The office I'm with now acts like they could care less, which angers me!
I am having zero symptoms at this point, besides tiredness, which is kind of nerve wracking.
First consultation appointment is tomorrow, where they will schedule the first u/s. I should *hopefully* find out the results from the beta tomorrow and then do a repeat on Friday.
Praying for another healthy, sticky, full term baby to make DD a big sister!